My 5 takeaways from dating as a single Mom.

Dating.  Oh dating. Dating after a divorce. Am I the only one who shutters when saying that?

Now I will not even pretend for a minute that I am any type of expert when it comes to dating.
I have been divorced for almost a year and a half and I have gone on like 5 dates total.
And all but one didn't go past the initial first date experience.
I often feel like a nerdy school girl trying to figure out this dating thing..... except I have two toddlers, a full time job, a home to maintain, stretch marks, and about 3 seconds of spare time.

It. Is. Rough.

Not only are we processing feelings, managing past hurts/rejections/lies, but we have these little lives to consider.

I have some basic guidelines I am trying to hold while I walk through this new territory of dating as a single Christian mom.

So... here are my FIVE takeaways from dating.

1.) Its okay to wait.
Wait? what??  I thought we were talking about DATING... not waiting! And we are! But its okay to not rush. Its okay to listen to the Holy Spirit and respond when He says to wait a little longer. I know that there are counselors, forums, websites, DivorceCare, and many others that will tell you WHEN you should start to date after a divorce. I have seen that the general rule is a year after the divorce is final. BUT what if you were never married? What happens when the divorce process lasts 3 years but you were separated that whole time? What if your divorce process was super quick (like in my case)? So. Many. Questions.
But I would say.... ask the Lord. And ask yourself tough questions.
Are you healed? Are you looking for someone to take care of you? Are you seeking dating to feel validated? Take a good honest look at your heart..... and even if your time frame is up and you still aren't sure.... then WAIT.
God can work amazing things during the wait.
Also... sometimes we can feel the peace to date and then the Lord will call us back.
I did not wait.... 5 months after my divorce was final I went on a date with a potential guy. We dated for about 2 months and then he ended things. Looking back (hindsight is always 20/20, right?) there was still so many things I needed to learn. So many things I needed to be free from.
Listen to your heart, listen to Godly council, and don't be afraid to take some time for you and rest in the wait.

2.) Fiercely protect your kids.
My boys are my world. Sometimes they can drive me crazy (which is what happens with a 4 year old and an almost 3 year old) but I love them.
So... I have made a decision to fiercely protect them while I am venturing out in the dating world. My boys are young enough to not really realize what is going on... but I still don't talk to a guy on the phone in their presence. I don't introduce men to my boys... and I wont until there is REAL commitment. I don't want my children to get attached to a man if he is not going to be here for the long haul. My heart will be able to recover but I don't want my boys to experience any more heart break or even heart confusion. I make it a priority. It takes more effort but those precious ones are worth it.

3.) Cling to Purity.
Ladies, this is huge! And so hard to do. The world tells us that it is old fashioned, not important, out dated, unrealistic, and judgmental.
I say no! It is Holy.
'How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word.' - Psalm 119:9
Just because we have done it before (even if it was last week) does not mean we cannot stop and start again fresh and new.
Sex complicates things so so much. It creates false attachment. It confuses our feelings. And the Lord desires for us to remain pure.
Is it easy? Well... not always. Is it worth it? I believe so!
Find friends to be accountable to. Let them into your world and be open to answering tough questions.
For me, I want my marriage to be blessed. I want trust in it. I want to practice self control so that I can trust myself and my future husband that much more because we waited.
Make boundaries early... because if you wait until the heat of the moment.... well... its a little late.
Discuss it early on in dating. Do not be ashamed to say "I am waiting until my wedding day."

4.) You can meet an amazing Christian man and it could still not work out.
This is a great takeaway and one that was said by a sweet mom in a fb group I am in. But how true is this? I have "dated" two incredible Christian men... and guess what? It didn't work out! They were not the guys for me. Are they still awesome? Yes. Are they still great Christians? Absolutely. But neither quite felt right for one of us. One guy I dated (remember when I dated a little bit too early?) was sweet and loves the Lord. He is a great father and leader. BUT..... he looked at me more as a friend. And we are still friends, now! The other guy I dated was so on fire for God. He had passion and zeal. He was thoughtful and sweet. I did like him....but for whatever reason it just didn't feel like it fit. I felt a "no" in my heart and I had to be obedient. There were no huge red flags. One I was caught by surprise and I was sad. Just because he is a great Christian doesn't mean it is going to work out. And that is okay. Don't we want God's best for us?

5.) It is possible to be content in the Lord and still have a desire to remarry.
I struggled with this for a loooooonnnngggggg time. I am not going to lie. I was being told by SO many that I needed to be content in the Lord and that is it. That when I stopped desiring to be married... that is when God will bring someone. I was getting so discouraged that I was still desiring to be a wife again and to have more children. But somewhere in my wait (see how good the wait can be?) God reminded me that He placed that desire in my heart and He wants to give me them as I take delight in Him. (Psalm 37:4)
Now I LOVE my life. I love my house, my children, my independence, my job (well sometimes haha), and that He is pursuing me. But I still have that underlying feeling of wanting to be a Godly wife to a Godly husband.
Now, if I never get married again... my life will still be great! I will still do amazing things for God. I will still raise great boys! My hope is in the Lord NOT in getting married.
I have just learned that there is this sweet balance with being content that this is my life now and having hope for something else. My marital status does not define me.
I will choose to give up what I think I want in exchange for what God has for me.
Because it could be bigger and better and sweeter then what I have ever imagined.

bonus takeaway:
enjoy the process. Dating is not a pass or fail situation (fail if it doesn't work out, pass if it does). Its all about learning and growing. Learning about more and more of what we want and don't want. Growing into the woman God has made us. I want to be a Godly wife... that means I need to LEARN what it  means to be a Godly wife. I need to be a GODLY WOMAN first! Learn. Grow. Pray. Hope.

Dating isn't always easy and we have to keep a sense of humor about it. Continue to keep God at your center and have other girl friends to talk to about it! 

What are some your dating takeways? Leave them in the comments below! 

dinner, movies, and coffee, Monica

Lying my Dream Down at the Altar

Do you ever have those days at church where it feels like the pastor knew EXACTLY what you have been talking and thinking about and preaches right TO YOU.

That was me today.

The Lord has really been highlighting Psalm 126 to me. In that psalm it is talking about a joyful return to Zion.
'When the Lord brought back the captivity of Zion, We were like those who dream.' (Psalm 126:1)

I am re-learning what it looks like to dream. I am figuring out what my dream is. And truly questioning if I needed to come up with a different dream. That has been my struggle the past few months honestly. What does... dreaming and holding on to hope and yet being content in what I have actually look like? How do you have a desire in your heart for something that your life does not resemble currently? Is it being ungrateful to want something else?
I have a dream in my heart that I am waiting for God to answer.

Last week my pastor said "A dream delayed is not a dream denied."

Oh how that is like honey to my soul!

We have been working through the story of Abraham and Sarah and how God had promised Abraham  "more descendants than can be counted" (Genesis 17:2).
But Abraham was old and Sarah had been barren. God gave him this incredible promise. The Lord gave Abraham a dream! And although it took so many years to come into fruition .... it happened.
A dream delayed is not a dream denied.

Today the pastor spoke on the attempted sacrifice of Isaac. How Isaac WAS Abraham's dream and yet God asked him to lay it down on the alter to Him. Abraham was obedient. Abraham was willing to lie his dream down to the Lord and trust Him. Wow! What a faith!
Of course the Lord then provides a ram to be sacrificed instead and acknowledges Abraham's faith in God.

So this morning when the pastor asked those people to stand who were feeling the death of a dream and the urge to lay it down at the alter I jumped at the chance to stand.
My spirit was so moved and I literally felt the dream tangible as I opened my hand to God.
I have to love the dream-giver more then the dream.
If I never receive the dream that I have in my heart.... Jesus is still enough for me. He is still enough. A peace flowed through my body and my heart as my tears ran down my cheek while I surrendered this dream that I was grasping so tightly to.

I don't give it to God in hopes He will return it. I give it up to Him in hopes that He will give me all that He has for me.

Dear friends, there is a huge chance that God will not give me my metaphorical ram to take my dream's place. My dream very well could die up here on this altar.
But the beauty about death is, as my pastor so eloquently reminded us, that it makes way for new life.
Just like the dead trees of winter stay for a moment until the newness of Spring comes bursting upon us.
That is what is happening while I lie my dream down.
It dies so that something new can be born.

I literally feel a shift in my spirit as I have let go of what I think I want and open my heart to all that God has in store.

dreams, new dreams, and love,
Monica

Loss and gain

This past year has been filled with unthinkable pain and unimaginable comfort. I have felt the greatest loss I thought I could feel and yet I gained so much.
Perspective. 
Friendship.
Knowledge of the Lord.
Joy.
Confidence.

When I was first going through the devastation of separation and divorce I could not have imagined all that I would experience.
God truly makes beautiful things out the dust.

What I would have said to myself in the beginning

This single mom thing is hard.

This being divorced thing is so difficult.

This new life and "new normal" is challenging.

I am almost a year out from my seperation and although I know I have sooo much still to learn and experience, I feel like I'm in such a great place.
A place I didn't think I would ever be. A place that 10 months ago I didnt even know was possible .

So if I could go back to newly broken me, just in the beginning of this journey, I would have a few things to say.

1.) The sun will shine again.

When I come across newly single moms or just women who are experiencing a heart break or a divorce or ending of a relationship I often tell them that the sun will shine again.
When I first was seperated everything seemed so dark. Everything was so bland. I couldn't see any happiness and I didn't know if I ever would.
But I did ! The sun is shining so bright in my life!
The sky is darkest right before the dawn. The light is breaking.

2) Your pain has a purpose, God will reveal it in time.

There is a song that I played on repeat during my darkest days.
It's "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and some of the lyrics says
"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done"

This song became my heart cry. Thy will be done. I'm broken. I'm confused. It doesn't make sense. I'm lost. But I will trust You God.
Now looking back I'm able to see God's hand in my life so intricately.

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." - Isaiah 55:8.

If I wouldn't have been separated/divorced and on this journey I would have missed out on some incredible friendships. I wouldn't have experienced a level of deep love for the Lord in this season. I probably wouldn't have even found my church that has become such a big part of my life! (When we seperated I had to return to working so I had to put the boys in full time daycare. One of my son's teachers goes to that church. She invited me one day and I fell in love. But if I wasn't seperated I would have not put them in THAT school and met her!).
When you get a little further in the journey you are able to look back and see how God is piecing things together.

3.) Feel the feels.

I'm a cryer. Always have been. Probably always will be. I cry when I'm happy, sad, mad, and everything in between.
During the beginning of my seperation/divorce... I cried until I had no more tears left. Until my eyes hurt. It wasn't fun. It was ugly.
But I truly think you need to feel the feels to get to the other side of it. You need to feel the anger.... Don't stay there! But feel it and then release it to God. Feel the loss. Feel the bitterness. Grieve how you need to grieve but always ALWAYS take it up with the Lord.
Don't numb yourself with substances or relationships. You have to go over this mountain to get the other side.... Otherwise these hurts will show up time and time again. Feel it and release it to God.

4.) You do not have to be alone in this.

You need people! You need support. You need prayers. You need advice. You need a shoulder to cry on.
Go to counseling! (I saw a Christian counselor for a few months and it helped me find some amazing inner healing ). Reach out to friends when you are feeling sad. Text that person you know will pray for you.
We are not meant to do life alone as it is ... But In a transition like this... It's even more clear how much we need each other.

 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. - Romans 12:15

*And if you're reading this and have a friend in this type of transition ... Please reach out to them . Go for coffee. Text. Video chat. Let them know you're praying for them. Send them an inspiring quote. You have no idea what a world of difference it makes.*

5.) Keep your hope.

Hope is sooo important to me. I hold on to it tightly like child holds on to their lovey (i mean not my children .. they never caught on the the joy of a sweet stuffed animal to comfort them ).

The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12) and oh boy have I felt that sickness before. 

When our world is spinning and we don't know which way is up, it can be very difficult to see hope in the situation. When our heart is broken and we are overwhelmed with bills and the kids won't listen , hope seems like a far off distant dream. 

But hope is there. 

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God. My hope comes from Him. " - Psalm 62:5. 

Not only hope but rest too!!! Oh that's what I need. God has you in the palm of His hand. He loves you. He is here for you. Don't lose sight of that. It doesn't make sense now and it's not fair. 

I will never ever say that this was God's plan all along for my life. He is too much of a good God to allow my children to grow up in two homes. He is too much of a good Father to have planned this level of heartbreak. But we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people who make choices and have consequences. 

But I trust Him and have Hope in Him. 

 "He has made EVERYTHING beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

- . - . - . -

I still have so much to learn but it no longer scares me. I love my life... Even though it looks different then what I first imagined. But God has met me every step of the way just like how He is with you sweet one! 

Lessons, hope, and love. - Monica 

Healed & Whole

I have been quite honest with this whole separation / divorce / single mom situation that I found myself in. It's hard and emotionally draining at times but I have to be open and honest in my little corner of the internet. If not for anything else... For myself. So I can look back and see how I was broken, but the Lord fixed me. To see where what once left me in despair,  I am now rejoicing. I want to share experiences and learning moments so I can look back and see hope -- no matter my situation. That is my heart . So even when it's uncomfortable and I'm still processing I will share.

I am currently in that "processing" stage with wholeness.

The other day I was talking to a sweet single mom friend of mine about being healed and whole. And for the first time I realized that there is a difference between the two.

I was thinking that they were one in the same. That because I felt truly healed that it meant whole too.
Now I realize I was wrong. So so wrong.

I can talk about my ex husband without wanting to scream. I can carry on a conversation with him without trying to find a way to be hurtful. I can say her name without a glimmer of jealously. I can talk about their engagement without that twinge in my heart.  I no longer say "divorced" with sadness in my voice. I am able to talk about my boys living in two homes without crying. I sleep on a dry pillow every night and my showers are no longer a place where I run to release the tears. I see the Lord working in my life and I have so much hope.
I. Feel. Healed.

But a friendship that quickly turned into a compromise showed me how not whole I am.
{Eek. Here is the uncomfortable honesty}

I told myself that I would NOT run to anything besides Jesus during this situation.
But I found myself lowering my standards because of loneliness.
I took comfort in a friend ... When I should have taken comfort in God.
I spoke with him instead of praying.
I rebounded. I KNEW there was no future and yet I continued to engage in this friendship.

Now I need to be honest on this blog. The good,. The bad, and the ugly. And this situation and how I acted was not my shining moment. But it's real.

I tried numerous times to cut things off and yet it never stook. The conversation was empty words and I was doing a terrible job of representing Jesus to this guy.

After a few days of amazing prayer and an empowering conversation with my mentor I realized I do this pattern over and over again.
I'm in a good place with myself and with the Lord and then some boy comes along and - poof - I'm gone.
I have all of these Morals and all of these standards that I desire to live by but for whatever reason I compromise and forget all about it. Doing things and believing things I told myself I wouldn't do or believe. And then I get completely lost.

Not this time!

Once i opened my eyes to that reality -- I could then make a change.

I want to be WHOLE too.

Where my steadfast love is unwaivering no matter my circumstance or marital status.

I know I am His and that is enough.

I will wait this time.

I will wait.

I will be healed and whole.

So I am taking some time for me. Some Bible studies and getting involved in my church. Taking a break from dating and guys. Working in being whole and satisfied in Jesus.
And it actually feels great !

Honesty, new beginnings, and love,
-Monica

A fresh start reminder

The other day my littlest mister was sick so we stayed home from school and work & had a mommy son day.
Besides the coughing and runny nose we had a great day!

Ran errands.
Had Chic Fil A for breakfast.
Snuggled.
And my favorite - walked the Christmas section of target.

As I gazed on all the beautiful Christmas items I realized this will be my first divorced Christmas. The twinge of pain and sadness quickly rushed over me as I remembered previous Christmases.

Decorating the tree our first Christmas together and how exciting it was. The Christmas bulb I used to announce to my ex that I was pregnant with our first son.  Our first Christmas with Seth and seeing him stare at all the wrapping paper.  The Christmas I was pregnant with our second son and how  anticipated the following year of joy from having 2 children. And last Christmas. Both of my boys unwrapping the presents we got for them.

All the emotions and memories flooded me like I had fallen off of a boat into the sea and I couldn't figure out which way was up or down.

But as I walked each aisle and saw more and more ornaments and wreaths and ribbons I realized something.
Even though I am not married.
Although it will just be me and my boys on Christmas and the decorating will be up to me.. I am starting fresh.
Much like winter breaks way to the loveliness of spring -- my mourning will break way to a fresh new dance.

So, next week I plan to get new ornaments. New decorations. New stockings.
And rejoice in this new life and new journey that I am on.

Ornaments, Christmas trees, and love - Monica

why I don't want to become your friend right now #graceovergrief

This season is a weird one for me.
One that I never imagined having to experience.

single mom.

divorced.

figuring things out.

I know that I need to surround myself with community and not be a shut in... but its so hard to "put myself out there."

I don't want to explain why my children are not with me that weekend.

I don't want them to notice my empty left hand.

I dread having to explain to them that I am going through a divorce or that I need to leave so that their father can pick them up.

I want them to see ME and not the sadness. To experience ME and not feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Its hard enough for my friends who I have known for years... let alone someone I am barely getting to know.

I am still new to this state. At least I still FEEL new. I have been living here in the Midwest for about 2.5 years and yet it still feels like I pulled up yesterday. I still use GPS everywhere I go. I still have to google places around town and my connections are few.

Nobody really knows what to see when someone is going through this type of grief. Especially when they don't know you that well.

So, people I encounter, I DO want to be your friend. I do. I want hang out and build relationship. I want to tell you how I am doing and what is going on. I want to grab coffee and watch our kids play at the park.
But this season, this journey is strange. I don't know how to navigate it.

Friendships are hard. And with a divorce that you never imagined happening... it can also be embarrassing.

I am a mess. And I wish I could show you happy-go-lucky-always-smiling-Monica.... but somedays its mascara-running-ben-and-jerry-eating-Monica and other days its so-angry-I-could-scream-Monica. And occasionally I can go from one Monica to the other in the instant. And its hard to figure my way around that. I don't want to scare you or overwhelm you.

So thank you for enduring. Thank you for pursuing. Thank you for praying. And thank you for reaching out even when I don't reach back. Know that it is not going unnoticed.

xoxo, Monica

Grace over Grief

A tan line where a ring used to be.
A broken promise where a vow used to be.
A tear where a smile used to be.
A shattered heart where a dream used to be.
- . - . - . -

But the sun will cover the empty space.
The Lord will renew promises and extend grace.
God will turn my mourning into dancing.
And I will love and dream even bigger then ever before.

xoxo, Monica

someday I won't cry #graceovergrief

I think I have thought about writing this post a hundred and fifty times but I just did not know how to go about it.

I didn't want to write the words because maybe if I don't say them -- it wouldn't be true.

but it is.

Whether I accept or  not, this is my new reality.

With a heavy heart I write this post as a single mom.

A title I never thought I would hold but here I am.

It doesn't matter HOW I got here, who's fault it is, who did what, or what happened. And I will probably never address it here, on my social media, or to people in general... because really... it does not matter in the long run.

You know what does matter? My attitude. My heart. My faith in the Lord. My healing. My relationship with my ex-husband as the father of my children. And mostly -- my sons.

You will not see me bashing their father. You will not see me cursing him or wishing ill on him. You will not see me keeping the boys from him or putting evil thoughts in their heads. You will not see me fighting with him. You will not see me holding on to bitterness. You will not see me filling the void with other things besides Jesus.

You might see me crying. You might see me mad. You might see me accepting this new life... only to be crying again a moment later. You might see me praying and trusting God. You might see me moving forward.

This is not what I wanted for me and my family. It is not what I planned for my life but I refuse to let this be the end of things.
I will fight for my happiness and healing. I will give my heart to the Lord daily so that He can pick up the broken pieces and put them back together again. I will give my children a good life. I will co parent to the best of my abilities. I will give myself grace over grieving. I will share my little moments of glimmer in this sea of darkness. I will not give in to bitterness.

It is well with my soul.

'You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.'
- Isaiah 26:3

xxoo, Monica