Life with a newborn {honesty}

It has been 23 days since my son was born. 

I have been learning what it means to be a mother and trying my best to enjoy this experience. 

But since this is my blog and I want to always be honest and open on here... Here is the truth.

It's been hard. 

Starting from the moment he was born - there was a sense of disconnection. 

After all, I was still in surgery when he was born and my husband got to hold him and bond with him first. 

My epidural made me very very shaky and the anesthesiologist gave me "something to help me relax". Although I was so glad to not be shaking anymore, I felt disconnected to him in the recovery room. 

The next few days in the hospital I was healing and in a lot of pain and was on medication that continued that separated feeling. 

I was also sent home with that medicine {and to be honest, I needed it! I was in so so much pain and could barely do anything.}. 

After a few days I decided to stop taking a certain pain reliever because I didn't like how I was feeling while taking it. {I was still taking a non-narcotic pain medication}

I was a new mom and I would look at this beautiful baby boy but I didn't feel bonded. 

I didn't feel that mushy, gushy love that I thought I was supposed to be feeling during those first weeks.

So then I felt guilty. And shameful. 

I loved this baby boy.... But it wasn't this over the moon feeling. I was feeling more tired then anything. 

Lack of sleep, anxiety, fear, and guilt, consumed me. 

There were a few days that I just couldn't help but cry. 

Through time, naps, and lots of prayer I started to feel better. 

And now three weeks after his arrival I am feeling connected and bonded to this beautiful little guy that The Lord has given us. 

The first few weeks of a newborn are very tiring and trying. There are extreme highs and lows. Sometimes you do feel that picture perfect mushy love..... But other times you don't and that's ok. 

{if the negative feeling lasts more then a few weeks or if you have thoughts of harming you or your child, it's extremely important to tell your doctor since that could be signs of post pardom depression.}

I believe There is a special grace that The Lord gives to moms of newborns. Because I cannot do this on my own. I need the strength and joy of The Lord. 

To all you new, experienced, and soon-to-be moms -- I am praying for a fresh grace to enjoy every moment of your new born. Wish I could send you all hugs {and coffee}. 

Accepting our emotions and love - Monica