Hey you, Judgey McJudgerson!

This weekend has been rough. Which is probably embarrassing to admit since its only 3pm on Saturday.
My children have made it their mission to master the art of not listening and tantrum throwing in only a day and a half.

Now if you have kids i am sure you all have been there one time or another. The children just don't want to listen to anything you are saying. They are running around or talking back or crying for one reason or another.
In the comfort of our own home where we  can scream our heads off   can direct our children, it doesn't feel AS overwhelming. I mean.. yes it is still exhausting but then we can sit and wipe away the tears (theirs and our own) without eyes staring into our souls.

 Its when we are in public is when we die just a little bit inside.

Yesterday I was on the receiving end of those stares. 

I had to "run" to the store for a few items (Is there even a "running to the store" with younger children?). I walked into that store not even remotely expecting what would happen in the fifteen minutes i was in that building.
My oldest decided that it was gonna "be cool" to walk backwards... almost getting hit by a cart. While my youngest was darting his way through the aisles... almost getting hit by a cart.
I told them both to either hold my hand or hold each other's hands and they let out the biggest whine/cry i have ever heard. I shuttered and so did aisle 7.
I grabbed my five items and we headed to the check out lane. And i have no idea what devils design the stores but WHY do they set up ridiculously expensive toys right at check out? I mean.. i know why but please have mercy on us.
The boys decided it was absolutely ESSENTIAL that they have the $6 cheapo cars... but momma is balling on a budget and that was not on the list. I calmly told them that they were not going to be getting those today. I did not even finish my sentence before  my oldest dropped to the ground and started crying.
Luckily my youngest is easily distracted and he got oddly excited about the little table that pulled out at check out. So he kept pulling it out over and over again hitting me in the leg twice. And of course that inspired his greatest hits and so he decided to sing AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. So loud i could barely hear the worker telling me the amount i owe.
I literally could feel the entire store staring and whispering. Nobody would say anything directly to me but i could hear the hushes and the dirty looks.
Finally it was time to leave, which should have brought me a relief... but it wasnt enough for my boys to misbehave in the store. Oh no... we have to make a show for everyone arriving to that store.
My youngest refused to get into the car and was screaming and crying. I had to force him down, as if he was a crocodile, to buckle him up. So many people just watched and i felt like a monkey in the zoo... but like they were watching me because of the wrong things i was doing and not for entertainment.
He cried the entire ride home.
And so did i.

So if you are a parent of younger children... you probably can relate. If you have kids who are a little older... you can probably remember.

I felt defeated and deflated.

And mostly... embarrassed.

All of those people were clearly judging my boys, judging me, judging my parenting, and probably judging how i handled the situation.

When i got home and my boys were all happy again and playing i vented to my amazing online community about this horrifying event. I just wanted to have someone who could tell me i wasn't alone and ask for advice for the future (consensus was to put them in the cart!)
One momma said this: "They don't know anything about your life, struggles, worries, or all the great moments, all they see is the current situation."

I hear often when we are talking about others judging that they don't know our struggles. They don't know that your child may have sensory issues or is autistic. They don't know that your child didn't take a nap that day or that your baby is teething. They don't know that your son is having separation anxiety because you are currently going through a divorce and learning to split time for the first time. They don't know that your daughter is more sensitive then some and is upset that she lost her toy. They don't know that your little one has so much energy and just wants to run.

But you know what else they don't see and know?

They don't see your child loving on their pets when they are home. They don't know that your child really loves to dance and it brings them joy. They don't know that your son is empathetic and caring or that your daughter just learned to say her ABCs. They don't know that you just walked away from a toxic relationship to better the lives of your children. They don't know that your kids use their manners at home and asked to be excused from the table. They don't see that. They just see the current state of our children.

Those people didn't see my youngest say "you're beautiful mommy" while giving me a hug earlier that day. They didn't see my oldest singing Tauren Wells 'Known' just moments before we walked in the store ( The lyrics say "I am fully known and loved by You.)
Those people don't know that my oldest is a thinker and a people watcher. They don't know that my youngest is fearless.

They. Dont. Know. 

So hey you, Judgey McJudgerson, staring at the kid at the store, air plane, hair salon, library, movie theater, etc. Remember that you don't know what the kid is going through or what an amazing, sweet, smart, kind, and wonderful child they are!
Extend some grace, will ya?
Plus... you're only gonna have to deal with it for a little while... momma is gonna get in the car and still be dealing with it. So send her a smile and some prayers too.

tantrums and love,
Monica

some thoughts on guarding your heart

Guard your heart  for it is the well spring of life. - Proverbs 4:23

I know this biblical truth.
I understand it in my head and I believe it in my heart.

But... how to apply it practically -- I've got nothing.

Now that I am in this dating scene this whole concept of  "guarding your heart" has taken a new role and meaning.
I know I should want to go into things with no expectations. Not get my hopes up. Enjoy it for what it is.

But you know how that makes me feel...like my feelings are bad. That having hope is wrong. And that intention should be thrown out because we have zero expectations.

Not fair.

Where is the line in having hope for more and going into a situation expecting nothing?
Because sorry.... expecting nothing is not going to get me out of my messy bun and yoga pants for the day. I will just not waste my make up and enjoy some Gilmore Girls in the comfort of my home if I am going to get the same results.

I understand being cautious.
And i do think that it isn't wise to go into every date thinking you will meet your spouse. I mean, how exhausting would that be for our minds and hearts?
But is it bad to have some hope for a future with someone?
It just feels so strange to push away our feelings for the sake of keeping our hearts guarded.
Do we keep our hearts closed off?
Relationships come down to a pro/con list as we all search for our unicorn? We remove our feelings so that we don't get confused.

Or can it be both?

Is it possible that we can enjoy our feelings and still guard that well spring of life?

I know that nowadays "catching feelings" is seen as such a negative thing. I have conversations with both males and females who are dating and they question whether to tell the other person how they feel. So then the alternative is to dissect and over analyze. We end up over thinking and reading between the lines. Which usually leaves us confused, broken, and tired.
What would it look like if we didn't look at feelings like they were a bad thing... but we looked at them like they were a gift from God. How different would relationships look like if we could just be honest with ourselves and the people we are dating?

This whole passivity things has to end.

Lets be bold about our feelings.

Don't push them out because it isn't the popular thing or you are worried how the other person will take it.

Yes, be wise. Pray. Pause. Think about why you like that person. Have boundaries early on. Be open to all the amazing things that God has in store for you. Enjoy the journey.

But lets not stuff those feelings down any longer.

feelings, dating, and love,
Monica

My 5 takeaways from dating as a single Mom.

Dating.  Oh dating. Dating after a divorce. Am I the only one who shutters when saying that?

Now I will not even pretend for a minute that I am any type of expert when it comes to dating.
I have been divorced for almost a year and a half and I have gone on like 5 dates total.
And all but one didn't go past the initial first date experience.
I often feel like a nerdy school girl trying to figure out this dating thing..... except I have two toddlers, a full time job, a home to maintain, stretch marks, and about 3 seconds of spare time.

It. Is. Rough.

Not only are we processing feelings, managing past hurts/rejections/lies, but we have these little lives to consider.

I have some basic guidelines I am trying to hold while I walk through this new territory of dating as a single Christian mom.

So... here are my FIVE takeaways from dating.

1.) Its okay to wait.
Wait? what??  I thought we were talking about DATING... not waiting! And we are! But its okay to not rush. Its okay to listen to the Holy Spirit and respond when He says to wait a little longer. I know that there are counselors, forums, websites, DivorceCare, and many others that will tell you WHEN you should start to date after a divorce. I have seen that the general rule is a year after the divorce is final. BUT what if you were never married? What happens when the divorce process lasts 3 years but you were separated that whole time? What if your divorce process was super quick (like in my case)? So. Many. Questions.
But I would say.... ask the Lord. And ask yourself tough questions.
Are you healed? Are you looking for someone to take care of you? Are you seeking dating to feel validated? Take a good honest look at your heart..... and even if your time frame is up and you still aren't sure.... then WAIT.
God can work amazing things during the wait.
Also... sometimes we can feel the peace to date and then the Lord will call us back.
I did not wait.... 5 months after my divorce was final I went on a date with a potential guy. We dated for about 2 months and then he ended things. Looking back (hindsight is always 20/20, right?) there was still so many things I needed to learn. So many things I needed to be free from.
Listen to your heart, listen to Godly council, and don't be afraid to take some time for you and rest in the wait.

2.) Fiercely protect your kids.
My boys are my world. Sometimes they can drive me crazy (which is what happens with a 4 year old and an almost 3 year old) but I love them.
So... I have made a decision to fiercely protect them while I am venturing out in the dating world. My boys are young enough to not really realize what is going on... but I still don't talk to a guy on the phone in their presence. I don't introduce men to my boys... and I wont until there is REAL commitment. I don't want my children to get attached to a man if he is not going to be here for the long haul. My heart will be able to recover but I don't want my boys to experience any more heart break or even heart confusion. I make it a priority. It takes more effort but those precious ones are worth it.

3.) Cling to Purity.
Ladies, this is huge! And so hard to do. The world tells us that it is old fashioned, not important, out dated, unrealistic, and judgmental.
I say no! It is Holy.
'How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word.' - Psalm 119:9
Just because we have done it before (even if it was last week) does not mean we cannot stop and start again fresh and new.
Sex complicates things so so much. It creates false attachment. It confuses our feelings. And the Lord desires for us to remain pure.
Is it easy? Well... not always. Is it worth it? I believe so!
Find friends to be accountable to. Let them into your world and be open to answering tough questions.
For me, I want my marriage to be blessed. I want trust in it. I want to practice self control so that I can trust myself and my future husband that much more because we waited.
Make boundaries early... because if you wait until the heat of the moment.... well... its a little late.
Discuss it early on in dating. Do not be ashamed to say "I am waiting until my wedding day."

4.) You can meet an amazing Christian man and it could still not work out.
This is a great takeaway and one that was said by a sweet mom in a fb group I am in. But how true is this? I have "dated" two incredible Christian men... and guess what? It didn't work out! They were not the guys for me. Are they still awesome? Yes. Are they still great Christians? Absolutely. But neither quite felt right for one of us. One guy I dated (remember when I dated a little bit too early?) was sweet and loves the Lord. He is a great father and leader. BUT..... he looked at me more as a friend. And we are still friends, now! The other guy I dated was so on fire for God. He had passion and zeal. He was thoughtful and sweet. I did like him....but for whatever reason it just didn't feel like it fit. I felt a "no" in my heart and I had to be obedient. There were no huge red flags. One I was caught by surprise and I was sad. Just because he is a great Christian doesn't mean it is going to work out. And that is okay. Don't we want God's best for us?

5.) It is possible to be content in the Lord and still have a desire to remarry.
I struggled with this for a loooooonnnngggggg time. I am not going to lie. I was being told by SO many that I needed to be content in the Lord and that is it. That when I stopped desiring to be married... that is when God will bring someone. I was getting so discouraged that I was still desiring to be a wife again and to have more children. But somewhere in my wait (see how good the wait can be?) God reminded me that He placed that desire in my heart and He wants to give me them as I take delight in Him. (Psalm 37:4)
Now I LOVE my life. I love my house, my children, my independence, my job (well sometimes haha), and that He is pursuing me. But I still have that underlying feeling of wanting to be a Godly wife to a Godly husband.
Now, if I never get married again... my life will still be great! I will still do amazing things for God. I will still raise great boys! My hope is in the Lord NOT in getting married.
I have just learned that there is this sweet balance with being content that this is my life now and having hope for something else. My marital status does not define me.
I will choose to give up what I think I want in exchange for what God has for me.
Because it could be bigger and better and sweeter then what I have ever imagined.

bonus takeaway:
enjoy the process. Dating is not a pass or fail situation (fail if it doesn't work out, pass if it does). Its all about learning and growing. Learning about more and more of what we want and don't want. Growing into the woman God has made us. I want to be a Godly wife... that means I need to LEARN what it  means to be a Godly wife. I need to be a GODLY WOMAN first! Learn. Grow. Pray. Hope.

Dating isn't always easy and we have to keep a sense of humor about it. Continue to keep God at your center and have other girl friends to talk to about it! 

What are some your dating takeways? Leave them in the comments below! 

dinner, movies, and coffee, Monica

Lying my Dream Down at the Altar

Do you ever have those days at church where it feels like the pastor knew EXACTLY what you have been talking and thinking about and preaches right TO YOU.

That was me today.

The Lord has really been highlighting Psalm 126 to me. In that psalm it is talking about a joyful return to Zion.
'When the Lord brought back the captivity of Zion, We were like those who dream.' (Psalm 126:1)

I am re-learning what it looks like to dream. I am figuring out what my dream is. And truly questioning if I needed to come up with a different dream. That has been my struggle the past few months honestly. What does... dreaming and holding on to hope and yet being content in what I have actually look like? How do you have a desire in your heart for something that your life does not resemble currently? Is it being ungrateful to want something else?
I have a dream in my heart that I am waiting for God to answer.

Last week my pastor said "A dream delayed is not a dream denied."

Oh how that is like honey to my soul!

We have been working through the story of Abraham and Sarah and how God had promised Abraham  "more descendants than can be counted" (Genesis 17:2).
But Abraham was old and Sarah had been barren. God gave him this incredible promise. The Lord gave Abraham a dream! And although it took so many years to come into fruition .... it happened.
A dream delayed is not a dream denied.

Today the pastor spoke on the attempted sacrifice of Isaac. How Isaac WAS Abraham's dream and yet God asked him to lay it down on the alter to Him. Abraham was obedient. Abraham was willing to lie his dream down to the Lord and trust Him. Wow! What a faith!
Of course the Lord then provides a ram to be sacrificed instead and acknowledges Abraham's faith in God.

So this morning when the pastor asked those people to stand who were feeling the death of a dream and the urge to lay it down at the alter I jumped at the chance to stand.
My spirit was so moved and I literally felt the dream tangible as I opened my hand to God.
I have to love the dream-giver more then the dream.
If I never receive the dream that I have in my heart.... Jesus is still enough for me. He is still enough. A peace flowed through my body and my heart as my tears ran down my cheek while I surrendered this dream that I was grasping so tightly to.

I don't give it to God in hopes He will return it. I give it up to Him in hopes that He will give me all that He has for me.

Dear friends, there is a huge chance that God will not give me my metaphorical ram to take my dream's place. My dream very well could die up here on this altar.
But the beauty about death is, as my pastor so eloquently reminded us, that it makes way for new life.
Just like the dead trees of winter stay for a moment until the newness of Spring comes bursting upon us.
That is what is happening while I lie my dream down.
It dies so that something new can be born.

I literally feel a shift in my spirit as I have let go of what I think I want and open my heart to all that God has in store.

dreams, new dreams, and love,
Monica

Dear 2018

Dear 2018,

NYE 2017

I am so glad that you are finally here! I counted down to when you would make your appearance with such expectancy in my heart.  

As I said good bye to my lovely friend, 2017, I realized that I had some pretty incredible memories. I made new friends, went to my first professional baseball game, had a first date, started a new job, finished DivorceCare, became a member at my church, found even more healing, had great conversations.  I turned 30, Seth learned his letters, Jayden opened up talking so much, had two amazing birthday parties for them. I bought my first house and moved in. I had funny little rewards given to me by my work. It was a joyful year overall. 

But you, oh you. I am so excited for you to be here. 

I hope you bring more peace in my home. 2018, I am expecting great things for you. Laughter, friendships, adventures, and growth. 

Now that you are here I want to embrace the beauty that you hold. The excitement in a new beginning. Saying good bye to yesterday and hello to all that is in store for me. 

I look forward to birthday parties and get togethers with friends. I look forward to challenges and learning new ways to overcome them. I am looking forward to a deeper spiritual walk and for the Lord to reveal Himself to me more. I look forward to dates (wink wink) and getting dressed up. I am so looking forward to my sweet boy starting kindergarten (tear) and for a brand new daycare for them both. I look forward to new recipes, new restaurants, more coffee, and even some desserts. 

Overall, 2018, I look forward to new grace that waits for me each and every day you are here! 

So glad you are with us! 

new years, new growth, new love, Monica

'Twas the Night Before the Night Before Christmas.

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the house my toddlers were shouting and calling me out.
Testing my patience and wearing it thin, while I try to practice all the "gentle" parenting that I can manage to muster in.
No cookies are baked, no presents are wrapped. The house is a mess and momma could use a nap.
There are dishes in the sink and a long list of to'dos, how did Christmas come just so soon?
The children are not tired, oh not at all. Because they ate their weight cookies and candy canes from the mall.
As the day gets later and the night grows close, my eyes get heavy and I'm feeling like toast.
But there is still bath time, and story-time, and sugar bugs to brush. I will try to go fast but my boys hate to rush.
Lotion, and snuggles, and kisses on foreheads too knowing that they will come crawling out of the bed in just a minute or two.
When they are finally asleep ( and lets be honest... it will take a bit) its time to attack that to do list since I have been ignoring it.
Wrap presents, wash clothes, bake cookies, and sweep.
Pick outfits, clean dishes, and then hopefully sleep.
I walk past my love bugs as they are soundly asleep
Knowing that the magic of Christmas is still one they keep.
To them its not lists, fancy dinners, or matched clothes.
Its not clean houses, homemade gifts, or the list that always grows.
To my sweet children, with the wonder in their eyes,
They don't think about those things that sometimes make me wanna cry.
Its about moments and memories with the ones that they love.
Its about those sugar snacks and kisses and a big bear hug.
So as I drift off to sleep to wake up to Christmas Eve, I tell myself "next year, just enjoy it.
You don't need to fret. You don't need worry. And you don't need to stress. "
So a reminder to all you moms out trying to find their brave face
Enjoy this season. In the chaos, in the mundane, and make sure you give yourself grace.

Merry Christmas!

xxoo, Monica

to my son on his first day of school

You started school. It was only preschool but still my momma heart leaped for joy at how old you are while simultaneously aching at how old you are.

You venture out into a new world today my sweet boy. A place of learning and expanding your mind. A place of sweet new friendships and brand new experiences. I am so so proud of the little boy you are.

But I hope for so much more... and here are just a few of my heart's prayers for you and your younger brother as you both get older

- I pray you will always know the love of your Father.

  Of course I want you both to always experience the love of the your dad but more then that I want you truly know and understand the love that Your Heavenly Father has for you. The infinite love He has for you (John 3:16). The fact that He knew You and set you apart while you were still in my womb (Jeremiah 1:5). Your God knows everything about you, even the numbers of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7). I pray that you will not just know that in your mind but experience that in your heart. That that love will guide you in your life.

- I pray that you will walk with boldness and courage.

 Life can be scary.. I can never downplay that fact. I wish I could take all the evil away in this world but I cannot. Everything from the boogie man in the dark to frightening life events... I would take it all away. But I do not have that power. But you, my precious boy, were not born with a spirit of fear but of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7) Declare that over yourself in times you are feeling scared. Walk in the confidence that God has given you. Not in the world's cockiness but in the confidence that only God can give us.

- I pray that you will be a leader.

 You are feisty. You are energetic. You are strong willed. You are determined. All of these things can help you to become an amazing leader in the Kingdom. I hope that these things wont change but that you see the strength in it and that as your mother I can cultivate it well.

- I pray that you always seek compassion.

 From comforting your brother when he is upset to helping me with cleaning, never stop seeking compassion. Keep your heart tender, sweet boy. Don't allow the world, circumstances, relationships, or short comings to harden your heart. I pray that God will always keep your heart soft.

- I pray that no matter what you will desire to serve the Lord.

  One of my largest prayers for you and your brother is that you will not just be a believer of Jesus but a follower of Jesus. Even when its hard. Even when its confusing. Even when you stand alone in the crowd. Lets us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9) I pray you and your brother will sow goodness and reap goodness.

I love you beyond measure my son. You and your little brother are such a gift to me and I thank God daily that I have the honor and privilege of being your mom.

Always and Forever,

Mom



Messy

Embrace the messy.

Literally I wish I had more to add to that but life has been messy.

My house has been messy.

My heart has been messy.

My hair has been messy (thank the Lord for dry shampoo).

My children have even been messy (hello summer!).

I'm learning to embrace that messiness. I'm accepting that sometimes I don't have it all together. Some days there aren't enough hours and I pack on the dry shampoo and wear yesterday's makeup.
Occasionally my children's socks don't match and their shirt has a small stain. Laundry is everywhere, toys are scattered, dishes are waiting to be washed.
Sometimes my heart is confused or processing. My worry is at an all time high and I'm fighting to put my trust back in the Lord.

But this is life. Learn to love the messy moments and the neat and tidy ones. And everything in between.

Xxoo, Monica

Loss and gain

This past year has been filled with unthinkable pain and unimaginable comfort. I have felt the greatest loss I thought I could feel and yet I gained so much.
Perspective. 
Friendship.
Knowledge of the Lord.
Joy.
Confidence.

When I was first going through the devastation of separation and divorce I could not have imagined all that I would experience.
God truly makes beautiful things out the dust.

What I would have said to myself in the beginning

This single mom thing is hard.

This being divorced thing is so difficult.

This new life and "new normal" is challenging.

I am almost a year out from my seperation and although I know I have sooo much still to learn and experience, I feel like I'm in such a great place.
A place I didn't think I would ever be. A place that 10 months ago I didnt even know was possible .

So if I could go back to newly broken me, just in the beginning of this journey, I would have a few things to say.

1.) The sun will shine again.

When I come across newly single moms or just women who are experiencing a heart break or a divorce or ending of a relationship I often tell them that the sun will shine again.
When I first was seperated everything seemed so dark. Everything was so bland. I couldn't see any happiness and I didn't know if I ever would.
But I did ! The sun is shining so bright in my life!
The sky is darkest right before the dawn. The light is breaking.

2) Your pain has a purpose, God will reveal it in time.

There is a song that I played on repeat during my darkest days.
It's "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and some of the lyrics says
"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done"

This song became my heart cry. Thy will be done. I'm broken. I'm confused. It doesn't make sense. I'm lost. But I will trust You God.
Now looking back I'm able to see God's hand in my life so intricately.

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." - Isaiah 55:8.

If I wouldn't have been separated/divorced and on this journey I would have missed out on some incredible friendships. I wouldn't have experienced a level of deep love for the Lord in this season. I probably wouldn't have even found my church that has become such a big part of my life! (When we seperated I had to return to working so I had to put the boys in full time daycare. One of my son's teachers goes to that church. She invited me one day and I fell in love. But if I wasn't seperated I would have not put them in THAT school and met her!).
When you get a little further in the journey you are able to look back and see how God is piecing things together.

3.) Feel the feels.

I'm a cryer. Always have been. Probably always will be. I cry when I'm happy, sad, mad, and everything in between.
During the beginning of my seperation/divorce... I cried until I had no more tears left. Until my eyes hurt. It wasn't fun. It was ugly.
But I truly think you need to feel the feels to get to the other side of it. You need to feel the anger.... Don't stay there! But feel it and then release it to God. Feel the loss. Feel the bitterness. Grieve how you need to grieve but always ALWAYS take it up with the Lord.
Don't numb yourself with substances or relationships. You have to go over this mountain to get the other side.... Otherwise these hurts will show up time and time again. Feel it and release it to God.

4.) You do not have to be alone in this.

You need people! You need support. You need prayers. You need advice. You need a shoulder to cry on.
Go to counseling! (I saw a Christian counselor for a few months and it helped me find some amazing inner healing ). Reach out to friends when you are feeling sad. Text that person you know will pray for you.
We are not meant to do life alone as it is ... But In a transition like this... It's even more clear how much we need each other.

 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. - Romans 12:15

*And if you're reading this and have a friend in this type of transition ... Please reach out to them . Go for coffee. Text. Video chat. Let them know you're praying for them. Send them an inspiring quote. You have no idea what a world of difference it makes.*

5.) Keep your hope.

Hope is sooo important to me. I hold on to it tightly like child holds on to their lovey (i mean not my children .. they never caught on the the joy of a sweet stuffed animal to comfort them ).

The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12) and oh boy have I felt that sickness before. 

When our world is spinning and we don't know which way is up, it can be very difficult to see hope in the situation. When our heart is broken and we are overwhelmed with bills and the kids won't listen , hope seems like a far off distant dream. 

But hope is there. 

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God. My hope comes from Him. " - Psalm 62:5. 

Not only hope but rest too!!! Oh that's what I need. God has you in the palm of His hand. He loves you. He is here for you. Don't lose sight of that. It doesn't make sense now and it's not fair. 

I will never ever say that this was God's plan all along for my life. He is too much of a good God to allow my children to grow up in two homes. He is too much of a good Father to have planned this level of heartbreak. But we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people who make choices and have consequences. 

But I trust Him and have Hope in Him. 

 "He has made EVERYTHING beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

- . - . - . -

I still have so much to learn but it no longer scares me. I love my life... Even though it looks different then what I first imagined. But God has met me every step of the way just like how He is with you sweet one! 

Lessons, hope, and love. - Monica 

Joy - a word for 2017

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Okay, I know I'm like two weeks late but better late then never, right?

I am incredibly happy to see 2016 be over with and so excited for this fresh new year.

I have no resolutions because... Well... Let's just be honest , I probably wouldn't stick to anything and then just disappoint myself.

So, I chose a word to focus on this year.

JOY.

Finding the joy amongst the pain. Recognizing the joy in the midst of confusion. Accepting the joy in the simple moments. Believing in the joy to come in days ahead.

What are your resolutions ? Or did you choose a word?

Happy happy 2017!

- Monica

Healed & Whole

I have been quite honest with this whole separation / divorce / single mom situation that I found myself in. It's hard and emotionally draining at times but I have to be open and honest in my little corner of the internet. If not for anything else... For myself. So I can look back and see how I was broken, but the Lord fixed me. To see where what once left me in despair,  I am now rejoicing. I want to share experiences and learning moments so I can look back and see hope -- no matter my situation. That is my heart . So even when it's uncomfortable and I'm still processing I will share.

I am currently in that "processing" stage with wholeness.

The other day I was talking to a sweet single mom friend of mine about being healed and whole. And for the first time I realized that there is a difference between the two.

I was thinking that they were one in the same. That because I felt truly healed that it meant whole too.
Now I realize I was wrong. So so wrong.

I can talk about my ex husband without wanting to scream. I can carry on a conversation with him without trying to find a way to be hurtful. I can say her name without a glimmer of jealously. I can talk about their engagement without that twinge in my heart.  I no longer say "divorced" with sadness in my voice. I am able to talk about my boys living in two homes without crying. I sleep on a dry pillow every night and my showers are no longer a place where I run to release the tears. I see the Lord working in my life and I have so much hope.
I. Feel. Healed.

But a friendship that quickly turned into a compromise showed me how not whole I am.
{Eek. Here is the uncomfortable honesty}

I told myself that I would NOT run to anything besides Jesus during this situation.
But I found myself lowering my standards because of loneliness.
I took comfort in a friend ... When I should have taken comfort in God.
I spoke with him instead of praying.
I rebounded. I KNEW there was no future and yet I continued to engage in this friendship.

Now I need to be honest on this blog. The good,. The bad, and the ugly. And this situation and how I acted was not my shining moment. But it's real.

I tried numerous times to cut things off and yet it never stook. The conversation was empty words and I was doing a terrible job of representing Jesus to this guy.

After a few days of amazing prayer and an empowering conversation with my mentor I realized I do this pattern over and over again.
I'm in a good place with myself and with the Lord and then some boy comes along and - poof - I'm gone.
I have all of these Morals and all of these standards that I desire to live by but for whatever reason I compromise and forget all about it. Doing things and believing things I told myself I wouldn't do or believe. And then I get completely lost.

Not this time!

Once i opened my eyes to that reality -- I could then make a change.

I want to be WHOLE too.

Where my steadfast love is unwaivering no matter my circumstance or marital status.

I know I am His and that is enough.

I will wait this time.

I will wait.

I will be healed and whole.

So I am taking some time for me. Some Bible studies and getting involved in my church. Taking a break from dating and guys. Working in being whole and satisfied in Jesus.
And it actually feels great !

Honesty, new beginnings, and love,
-Monica

A fresh start reminder

The other day my littlest mister was sick so we stayed home from school and work & had a mommy son day.
Besides the coughing and runny nose we had a great day!

Ran errands.
Had Chic Fil A for breakfast.
Snuggled.
And my favorite - walked the Christmas section of target.

As I gazed on all the beautiful Christmas items I realized this will be my first divorced Christmas. The twinge of pain and sadness quickly rushed over me as I remembered previous Christmases.

Decorating the tree our first Christmas together and how exciting it was. The Christmas bulb I used to announce to my ex that I was pregnant with our first son.  Our first Christmas with Seth and seeing him stare at all the wrapping paper.  The Christmas I was pregnant with our second son and how  anticipated the following year of joy from having 2 children. And last Christmas. Both of my boys unwrapping the presents we got for them.

All the emotions and memories flooded me like I had fallen off of a boat into the sea and I couldn't figure out which way was up or down.

But as I walked each aisle and saw more and more ornaments and wreaths and ribbons I realized something.
Even though I am not married.
Although it will just be me and my boys on Christmas and the decorating will be up to me.. I am starting fresh.
Much like winter breaks way to the loveliness of spring -- my mourning will break way to a fresh new dance.

So, next week I plan to get new ornaments. New decorations. New stockings.
And rejoice in this new life and new journey that I am on.

Ornaments, Christmas trees, and love - Monica

an open letter to the next woman to marry my {ex} husband #graceovergrief

dear next woman who is going to my marry my ex-husband,

Hello.
 I know hearing from me may or may not be awkward.
And it is possible that I may or may not know you personally but you are about to embark on a journey that I once walked.

And our paths are now intertwined because of my children.

You are going to be their stepmother.
You will influence them, help guide them, love them, and nurture them.

 You will love their father and because of that they will learn from you.

They will look to you for support.

My biggest prayer is that love will be in the home.

Things did not work out between their father and I but I pray that things go differently this time. That he has found someone he meshes with, someone to spend his life with, and that the honor and respect that the two of you share will be evident in the children's lives. That they will always feel safe. That they will always feel loved and put first.

I pray that you and I can get along. That the past stays in the past and it doesn't matter what happened. We can put the children first. We can look past hurt, confusions, and problems and we can see the children. And as long as we all work on focusing on them, that happiness will be present in both homes and families.

I wish you both happiness, love, and extreme joy. Because when those 3 things are the foundation of a family then everyone prospers.

Above all.... thank you. Thank you for choosing my children. When you decided to marry their father you chose them and I am just thankful that they have someone else who will love them completely.

xoxo, Monica

why I don't want to become your friend right now #graceovergrief

This season is a weird one for me.
One that I never imagined having to experience.

single mom.

divorced.

figuring things out.

I know that I need to surround myself with community and not be a shut in... but its so hard to "put myself out there."

I don't want to explain why my children are not with me that weekend.

I don't want them to notice my empty left hand.

I dread having to explain to them that I am going through a divorce or that I need to leave so that their father can pick them up.

I want them to see ME and not the sadness. To experience ME and not feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Its hard enough for my friends who I have known for years... let alone someone I am barely getting to know.

I am still new to this state. At least I still FEEL new. I have been living here in the Midwest for about 2.5 years and yet it still feels like I pulled up yesterday. I still use GPS everywhere I go. I still have to google places around town and my connections are few.

Nobody really knows what to see when someone is going through this type of grief. Especially when they don't know you that well.

So, people I encounter, I DO want to be your friend. I do. I want hang out and build relationship. I want to tell you how I am doing and what is going on. I want to grab coffee and watch our kids play at the park.
But this season, this journey is strange. I don't know how to navigate it.

Friendships are hard. And with a divorce that you never imagined happening... it can also be embarrassing.

I am a mess. And I wish I could show you happy-go-lucky-always-smiling-Monica.... but somedays its mascara-running-ben-and-jerry-eating-Monica and other days its so-angry-I-could-scream-Monica. And occasionally I can go from one Monica to the other in the instant. And its hard to figure my way around that. I don't want to scare you or overwhelm you.

So thank you for enduring. Thank you for pursuing. Thank you for praying. And thank you for reaching out even when I don't reach back. Know that it is not going unnoticed.

xoxo, Monica

Grace over Grief

A tan line where a ring used to be.
A broken promise where a vow used to be.
A tear where a smile used to be.
A shattered heart where a dream used to be.
- . - . - . -

But the sun will cover the empty space.
The Lord will renew promises and extend grace.
God will turn my mourning into dancing.
And I will love and dream even bigger then ever before.

xoxo, Monica

someday I won't cry #graceovergrief

I think I have thought about writing this post a hundred and fifty times but I just did not know how to go about it.

I didn't want to write the words because maybe if I don't say them -- it wouldn't be true.

but it is.

Whether I accept or  not, this is my new reality.

With a heavy heart I write this post as a single mom.

A title I never thought I would hold but here I am.

It doesn't matter HOW I got here, who's fault it is, who did what, or what happened. And I will probably never address it here, on my social media, or to people in general... because really... it does not matter in the long run.

You know what does matter? My attitude. My heart. My faith in the Lord. My healing. My relationship with my ex-husband as the father of my children. And mostly -- my sons.

You will not see me bashing their father. You will not see me cursing him or wishing ill on him. You will not see me keeping the boys from him or putting evil thoughts in their heads. You will not see me fighting with him. You will not see me holding on to bitterness. You will not see me filling the void with other things besides Jesus.

You might see me crying. You might see me mad. You might see me accepting this new life... only to be crying again a moment later. You might see me praying and trusting God. You might see me moving forward.

This is not what I wanted for me and my family. It is not what I planned for my life but I refuse to let this be the end of things.
I will fight for my happiness and healing. I will give my heart to the Lord daily so that He can pick up the broken pieces and put them back together again. I will give my children a good life. I will co parent to the best of my abilities. I will give myself grace over grieving. I will share my little moments of glimmer in this sea of darkness. I will not give in to bitterness.

It is well with my soul.

'You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.'
- Isaiah 26:3

xxoo, Monica

Jingle Vox box review [Influenster]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Something really fun I got to do at the end of 2015 was receive my very first Influenster  box to review.

Influenster is a website that you go to read or write reviews on so many different products. You sign up, link up all your social media, and review products. They will give you an "impact score" that could qualify you to receive products FOR FREE in exchange for your honest review.
After you get the "voxbox", Influenster will have a bunch of tasks for you to do and that can qualify you to receive another box in the future.

I am all about sharing different products and I have bought different items mainly because I saw someone on youtube, blogs, or social media share them! So I was absolutely overjoyed when Influenster chose me for their Jingle VoxBox!

I did a more detailed review on my youtube channel.

So, what did I get?? Here is a list and my quick little review!

• Pure ice nail polish (silver star):
I loved this!!! The color was a little different then I normally choose bit still fun. It dried so so fast which I love and it still hasn't really chipped and I have had in on for about a week.

• NYC 24 hr. Eyeliner (dark brown): this was GORGEOUS and so so smooth! It stayed on all day and didn't smear.

• Kiss false eyelashes (posh) and black liquid adhesive: These eyelashes were so so natural looking and fairly easy to put on. I am sooo not an expert with false lashes and it did take a few times but if I was more experience I am sure it would have been easy. The adhesive is black so if you're not an expert, be careful because it might leave marks!

• Hallmark Itty Bitty (rapunzel): so so adorable! This little stuffed animal is so so soft and so cute!

• Lotus Biscoff Cookie: yummy!!! And the perfect crunch to go with coffee. It was the texture of like a gingerbread cookie.

• ore-ida tater tots: I haven't tried them yet! BUT I will be posting a fun little recipe for them next week when I make them for dinner.

• Cetaphil lotion: I really liked this lotion! It's a nice thick lotion that wasn't greasy. I used it on my face after a shower and my face was so soft.

- . - . - . -
And that's it!!!

So fun right!!!

You can click here to sign up for Influenster
And make sure to click here to watch the review video and such scribe to see more!

Have a great weekend!

Reviews and love, Monica

All the Judgmental Looks {My toddler melted down.. again}

Yesterday I took the both boys to see Santa at Bass Pro Shop. I have been wanting to do it since last month and since there is less then a week away from Christmas I knew I needed to do it this weekend. Bass Pro has the cutest set up; with tons to do and free pictures with Santa.

The boys had a nice nap, ate some lunch, and then we went to "Santa's house". 

They did so well with Santa too! No smiles... but no tears so I say it was a win in my book! MyBigBoy was a little confused and didnt know what he was so supposed to do and I have no idea what MyLittleGuy is doing with his hands... but its precious! haha. 

Once we finished with that we walked over to the craft table and MyBigBoy colored and then we looked at the train (his favorite!). 

Then, after a super fun and relaxed afternoon, MyBigBoy peed his pull up. Which really isn't a big deal to anyone.... except to him. He wants to immediately take it off -- right there, by the train, in a crowded room with strangers. There is no negotiating with this boy with big feelings. He tries and tries to take his pants off and I plead with him that we need to go to the car or to the bathroom. 

He falls to the ground in tears. 

I start getting the looks.

You moms know what I am talking about. The judgmental looks from people without kids reminding themselves to never have them. The sympethetic looks from other moms who remember what those days are like. The harsh looks from those moms who maybe parent differently and they think you are doing it all wrong. 

I stood there by the train track, MyLittleGuy in the shopping cart, MyBigBoy flailing himself all over and EVERYONE was staring. 

I scooped up my mess of a son and put him in the cart and started to walk out. 

Here is something I have learned about my boy in this short season -- if I try to repress his feelings - the feelings get bigger. 

Which makes sense. 

Have you ever been so angry and someone tells you to "calm down"?

What is your response? Mine usually isn't that pretty. 

So, MyBigBoy is in the cart basket and we are walking out. I am holding on to his shirt, attempting to keep him sitting down so he doesnt fall out. He is hitting the cart, crying, screaming. 

I am getting sooo many looks. 

Plus, can I just remind you that this place offers free Santa photos the weekend before Christmas. And there is a restaurant in there AND its a huge 2 story store! This place is massive and is packed! My son's ear piercing screams is all anyone can hear. 

We finally get outside and then MyLittleGuy decides to join in on the tears. It was small and off and on but he is very empathetic so he saw big brother crying and figured he needed to too. 

Outside they have a stand for kettle corn with a bench behind it. I take MyBigBoy out of the cart and let him "calm himself down" on the bench. Of course he falls to the ground still kicking and screaming. 

The whole time I am talking to him about how he is angry and I know he is upset because he wanted to take off his pull up. I explain that it is okay to be angry (because it is) but it is not okay to kick and hit. We are right by the exit so everytime someone walks by they hear my son yelling (and me letting him) and they give me the judgemental look.  

I mean before I had a very strong-willed toddler I probably would have done the same thinking, "why can't she control her kid?" Staring and judging and telling myself how that will never be me. My child won't throw fits in public place. 

But here I was.

And I realized something in middle of this meltdown. 

I really don't care what they think. They can stare at me, judge my parenting, talk about me while they walk away. I am not doing this for them. I am doing this for my son. Because I know how he operates (well... I am learning). Because I don't want him to feel like he has to stuff his very big feelings because I cannot handle them. Because I want him to learn how to control his feelings on his own eventually. Because allowing him to "feel the feels" helps him get in touch with his emotions. Because I want him to know that he is safe with me and his feelings are not too much for me.

And mostly because I know that he will get to the other side of this meltdown and the longer I try to control how he responds to his emotions the worse (and bigger) it gets. 

So, judge on, Judgey McJudgerson. 

MyBigBoy did stop crying. He ran into my arms "hold, Mom!". I held him and walked to the car explaining again about being mad and how to handle it. 

I buckled him in the car seat and he asked me "wipe tears, mom."

I wiped his tears, started the car, and we said "bye" to Santa's house. Then MyBigBoy did the sweetest thing ever! 

He said, "thank you mom."

Maybe he was saying thank you for wiping his tears or taking him to see Santa. Or maybe he was thanking me for allowing him to sort through his emotions in a safe place. Whatever the reason I knew that although it was embarrassing, frustrating, and just hard....... it wasnt the end of the world and we got through it.

So, to the moms of the screaming toddlers in public places. You're doing a good work! Keep it up. Its a hard and sometimes lonely road but remember you are a great mom and this too shall pass.

To the bystanders witnessing the melt down - try not to judge. Try to remember that we are all navigating through parenting differently and what works for you and your children might not work for me and mine. 

tantrums, big emotions, and love. - Monica

It was such a Holy Night - Arrows and Warriors

Happy happy friday!!! And happy one week before Christmas!

who still needs to do Christmas shopping?

*raises hand*

The boys are taken care of but I still have a few family members I need to get some stuff for. 

Today I wrote a post at Arrows and Warriors talking about one of my favorite Christmas songs - O Holy Night. 

You can click right here to read. Also make sure to check it out daily. 

A group of amazing mommas, including myself, post uplifting and encouraging messages for moms. Our heart is to inspire other moms that you dont only need to survive but you can THRIVE in motherhood with Christ at the center. 

Have a wonderfully blessed last weekend before Christmas! 

Christmas carols, blogging, and love. - Monica