I think I have thought about writing this post a hundred and fifty times but I just did not know how to go about it.
I didn't want to write the words because maybe if I don't say them -- it wouldn't be true.
but it is.
Whether I accept or not, this is my new reality.
With a heavy heart I write this post as a single mom.
A title I never thought I would hold but here I am.
It doesn't matter HOW I got here, who's fault it is, who did what, or what happened. And I will probably never address it here, on my social media, or to people in general... because really... it does not matter in the long run.
You know what does matter? My attitude. My heart. My faith in the Lord. My healing. My relationship with my ex-husband as the father of my children. And mostly -- my sons.
You will not see me bashing their father. You will not see me cursing him or wishing ill on him. You will not see me keeping the boys from him or putting evil thoughts in their heads. You will not see me fighting with him. You will not see me holding on to bitterness. You will not see me filling the void with other things besides Jesus.
You might see me crying. You might see me mad. You might see me accepting this new life... only to be crying again a moment later. You might see me praying and trusting God. You might see me moving forward.
This is not what I wanted for me and my family. It is not what I planned for my life but I refuse to let this be the end of things.
I will fight for my happiness and healing. I will give my heart to the Lord daily so that He can pick up the broken pieces and put them back together again. I will give my children a good life. I will co parent to the best of my abilities. I will give myself grace over grieving. I will share my little moments of glimmer in this sea of darkness. I will not give in to bitterness.
It is well with my soul.
'You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.'
- Isaiah 26:3