Saturday, June 25, 2016

why I don't want to become your friend right now #graceovergrief

This season is a weird one for me.
One that I never imagined having to experience.

single mom.


figuring things out.

I know that I need to surround myself with community and not be a shut in... but its so hard to "put myself out there."

I don't want to explain why my children are not with me that weekend.

I don't want them to notice my empty left hand.

I dread having to explain to them that I am going through a divorce or that I need to leave so that their father can pick them up.

I want them to see ME and not the sadness. To experience ME and not feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Its hard enough for my friends who I have known for years... let alone someone I am barely getting to know.

I am still new to this state. At least I still FEEL new. I have been living here in the Midwest for about 2.5 years and yet it still feels like I pulled up yesterday. I still use GPS everywhere I go. I still have to google places around town and my connections are few.

Nobody really knows what to see when someone is going through this type of grief. Especially when they don't know you that well.

So, people I encounter, I DO want to be your friend. I do. I want hang out and build relationship. I want to tell you how I am doing and what is going on. I want to grab coffee and watch our kids play at the park.
But this season, this journey is strange. I don't know how to navigate it.

Friendships are hard. And with a divorce that you never imagined happening... it can also be embarrassing.

I am a mess. And I wish I could show you happy-go-lucky-always-smiling-Monica.... but somedays its mascara-running-ben-and-jerry-eating-Monica and other days its so-angry-I-could-scream-Monica. And occasionally I can go from one Monica to the other in the instant. And its hard to figure my way around that. I don't want to scare you or overwhelm you.

So thank you for enduring. Thank you for pursuing. Thank you for praying. And thank you for reaching out even when I don't reach back. Know that it is not going unnoticed.

xoxo, Monica

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