Thursday, December 8, 2016

Healed & Whole

I have been quite honest with this whole separation / divorce / single mom situation that I found myself in. It's hard and emotionally draining at times but I have to be open and honest in my little corner of the internet. If not for anything else... For myself. So I can look back and see how I was broken, but the Lord fixed me. To see where what once left me in despair,  I am now rejoicing. I want to share experiences and learning moments so I can look back and see hope -- no matter my situation. That is my heart . So even when it's uncomfortable and I'm still processing I will share.

I am currently in that "processing" stage with wholeness.

The other day I was talking to a sweet single mom friend of mine about being healed and whole. And for the first time I realized that there is a difference between the two.

I was thinking that they were one in the same. That because I felt truly healed that it meant whole too.
Now I realize I was wrong. So so wrong.

I can talk about my ex husband without wanting to scream. I can carry on a conversation with him without trying to find a way to be hurtful. I can say her name without a glimmer of jealously. I can talk about their engagement without that twinge in my heart.  I no longer say "divorced" with sadness in my voice. I am able to talk about my boys living in two homes without crying. I sleep on a dry pillow every night and my showers are no longer a place where I run to release the tears. I see the Lord working in my life and I have so much hope.
I. Feel. Healed.

But a friendship that quickly turned into a compromise showed me how not whole I am.
{Eek. Here is the uncomfortable honesty}

I told myself that I would NOT run to anything besides Jesus during this situation.
But I found myself lowering my standards because of loneliness.
I took comfort in a friend ... When I should have taken comfort in God.
I spoke with him instead of praying.
I rebounded. I KNEW there was no future and yet I continued to engage in this friendship.

Now I need to be honest on this blog. The good,. The bad, and the ugly. And this situation and how I acted was not my shining moment. But it's real.

I tried numerous times to cut things off and yet it never stook. The conversation was empty words and I was doing a terrible job of representing Jesus to this guy.

After a few days of amazing prayer and an empowering conversation with my mentor I realized I do this pattern over and over again.
I'm in a good place with myself and with the Lord and then some boy comes along and - poof - I'm gone.
I have all of these Morals and all of these standards that I desire to live by but for whatever reason I compromise and forget all about it. Doing things and believing things I told myself I wouldn't do or believe. And then I get completely lost.

Not this time!

Once i opened my eyes to that reality -- I could then make a change.

I want to be WHOLE too.

Where my steadfast love is unwaivering no matter my circumstance or marital status.

I know I am His and that is enough.

I will wait this time.

I will wait.

I will be healed and whole.

So I am taking some time for me. Some Bible studies and getting involved in my church. Taking a break from dating and guys. Working in being whole and satisfied in Jesus.
And it actually feels great !

Honesty, new beginnings, and love,


ystoff14 said...

You have been an inspiration. I am currently facing a coming divorce. (Not my decision) it hurts and I am trying to process what the heck happened and reading your words is almost like a soothing balm, showing me that I'm not alone. Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability ❤️

MonicaV said...

You are definitely not alone and I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. It's incredibly hard and there are so many emotions that come alone with it. Please email me anytime!!! Hugs to you!

Timothy Coen said...

I read your posts and see much wisdom, growth, maturity and insight in them. Being divorced myself, 5 years as of the 7th, it is a process that doesn't happen overnight. Through the process of separation & divorce I learned many a thing about myself, females (Accordingly of course), the Lord, and marriage. I came out the other side not hating women, my ex wife, or marriage. And while divorce isn't always a sin it's always sin that causes divorce. I sought out, and attended, counseling that helped me to "become whole." I forced myself into accountability with men who had successful marriages and strong walks of their own. I came to learn that my self worth and value wasn't and isn't based on or defined by whether or not I'm in a relationship or with whom if I am. I am completely whole in Him. 5 years later the thought of divorce is still a sad thing, as it breaks our Fathers' heart it should too break ours, but not destroy. I learned to be be not only sympathetic but empathetic towards my ex wife and understand without excusing or justifying her actions, her pains and demons if you will. While I was most def not the perfect husband there were ZERO grounds for divorce under any circumstance. I've been blessed and able to help counsel many people through their own personal divorce hell so I guess in a sense one might say it was worth it, to be a light in someone else's darkness. Look forward to your future posts Monica. Godspeed and God Bless...