Thursday, May 22, 2014

No more striving

Baby V, Mr. V, and I have been back in Missouri for a few days. I have already worked a couple of days and we are {slowly} getting back to a somewhat routine. 

Today we have been talking about dreams. Schools and dream jobs were discussed and I realized something. This IS my dream. 
Growing up I never had great plans of what I wanted to do or be. I didn't want to be president or a lawyer or veterinarian or teacher. When someone asked what I wanted to be when I "grew up" my response was the same: a mom and a wife. 

It's true! 

I briefly went to college (one year) as a music major.... But that was because I wanted to lead worship at a church! Once I figured out I didn't really need college to do that, I left. 

So according to my childhood self - I am living my dream! 

So why am I not happier? 

The answer to that question was just realized five minutes ago as I was putting my 9 month old to bed in his crib. 

I strive.  
And "fail". 
Then I don't feel good enough. 
Which makes me not want to try.

Ew... It feels yucky to say, but it's true! 
I strive. 

I put so much pressure on myself to be a certain way as a mother, a wife, and Godly woman. I can never reach this goal and then I just feel bad about myself! 
Then, eventually, I give up. 

And that, my friends, is what happened. 

My passion died. 

I was no longer EXCITED about this beautiful life I have. 
I was just going through the motions trying not to cry everyday for yet again not meeting the unattainable expectation as a mother and wife. 

So! Tomorrow is a new day! 

will not allow the enemy to take what's mine - my passion, happiness, joy, faith, and trust! 
I know I will fail. I will make mistakes. I will be tired. I will argue with my husband and I will lose patience with my son. 
BUT I will live with grace. I will live intentionally. I will give God the glory and I will sing His praises! 

Lovelies, if you are in a similar place and striving - STOP! Whatever it is, just rest in God's goodness. Soak it in. Breathe in His presence and breathe out the unattainable expectations you or others put on you. 
You are enough! 
You are worthy!  
Jesus died on the cross for YOU! 
You don't have to earn it, it's Yours. 
You are loved! 
You are a beautiful mess, and it's ok! 

New joy, new mercy, and love. - Mrs. V

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